For Love And the Game

Jesse Dana

About Jesse Dana

I started playing Magic during Revised and played regularly until Tempest.  I then played off and on until Alara block and now play regularly.  I try to play as much as possible, or as much as I can without having my girlfriend break up with me.  (She is, however, supportive of the hobby) It would be great to qualify for a Pro Tour one day, but that is wishful thinking. Although I do take each sanctioned match seriously, I never drop from a tournament no matter how it will affect my record. I would love to travel to other countries and play. At a young age, I had the chance to play against Rob Dougherty, Darwin Castle and Shawn "The Hammer" Regnier.  My goal is to one day do live coverage of tournaments like Brian David-Marshall.  Since my return to the game, I have become fascinated about every aspect of it, from strategy to the Pro Tour to even the lore of the game.

For Love and the Game

I am not a psychologist, behavioral therapist or relationship expert and even though I have a degree in Social Psychology, by no means does this make me an authority on love and partnerships. I am just as you are, a regular person who just happens to be involved in an amazing community that we are passionate about and tries to balance that with people or other aspects of our life that are more important. What I have written below is taken from my own honest attempt to balance the things I love in this world.

Over the last few weeks since I got married, people have seemed eager to ask me how my relationship with my wife has changed and how my life in general is different than it was when we were dating. Every time someone utters this question, I look at them cock-eyed and respond with “We’ve lived together nearly four years…it’s the same just better” One of the follow up questions seems to always be if am I going to give up Magic now that I am an “Adult”… If you’ve read any of my articles such as “A Game for the Ages”, you already know the answer is NO!

Versions:
4th Edition
Alpha
Beta
Collector's Edition
International Collector's Edition
Revised
Unlimited

When my now wife and I began dating six years ago, I was not playing Magic. In fact, I had not even thought about the game for at least two or three years prior. It was not until half way through our time together that I began to get back involved with anything card related. Now my wife was already well aware that I was a huge nerd, I had been friends with her brother for over ten years at that point and there is no doubt that she was aware of my comic book collection, or that I had every video game system available, or even that her brother and myself were probably the only two men in the United States that were over eighteen and went to see the Pokémon Movie without chaperoning an infant. As you can see, my place in the nerd kingdom was well established, so the transition from one geeky activity to the next was no surprise to my partner.

But what about those people who are not in a relationship and are currently slinging spells on a weekly basis. There is no doubt that these folks are in a much more precarious position. They have to explain the game and their love for it to a person who has yet to decide whether they care for them unconditionally. Dating is full of the most awkward and sometimes aggravating experiences you will ever encounter in your life, if anyone ever tells you it’s easy, they are lying. I have asked my friends who are single if they bring Magic up when they are on a date or meeting someone for the first time. They often tell me that they would only bring it up if someone seemed really interested in their hobbies or non-work related interests. This lack of being open really bothers me and maybe it’s because I can sometimes be the type of person who likes to throw everything out on the table at once, which is not always a good thing. However, if you are playing Magic on a weekly basis or, as most of us would like to do, nearly every day, there should be no reason in my opinion why it should not be one of the first things you divulge when someone says “tell me a little about yourself”. Now I will say if you are trying to just get the person in bed, there is no reason to tell them everything about you, such that you crochet your own slippers or that the smell of horse manure reminds you of your childhood on the farm… but if you are really trying to find a companion, you should be nothing but 100% open about yourself as the dates progress. If you are not honest with the person you are trying to be with, it will always come back to haunt you and often times this person can throw it back in your face and be right about the fact that the way you are is not what they “signed up for”. You should always be true to yourself and not be ashamed of your interests, there are plenty of men or women out there who will find you attractive just the way you are; it may not be easy and may take some work, but they are out there.

I am not sure if there are, in fact, online dating sites that are out there for just us nerd types, but there ought to be. This seems like it would be a great way to say “hey, you like Star Wars, I like Star Wars, you want to grab a drink and see where it takes us?” Although I will warn you that it could get messy if you happen to encounter a D&D player, there seems to be a real friction between avid Dungeon Masters and Planeswalkers and whose realm is more powerful, or maybe that’s just the way it plays out at my local store.

Once you manage to get past all the trials and tribulations of dating and are in fact fortunate enough to have a partner, there is one strict rule that you need to follow without any exceptions. Your partner comes first and they should never be made to feel otherwise. This can be challenging at times, especially when you really want to sleeve and play, which is why it is crucial to try and be conscious about what you are doing when your partner is around. If you both have the day off and all you are doing is putting a cube together, chances are your partner is not going to be too thrilled. If this type of behavior becomes consistent there will most certainly be conflict and, on top of that, if you are devoting more time to the game than them, you should maybe re-evaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. If you go a little out of your way to make your partner feel loved, they will more than likely reciprocate those gestures and in turn be more tolerant of the times when you do decide to crack packs over going to the movies with them.

One of the truly funny things about nerds and especially gamers is that although we often tend to be very intelligent in our own ways and great problem solvers, our punctuality and ability to schedule is nearly nonexistent. I feel that whenever you first officially get your nerd card stamped, you should be given a personal time management fairy that can help you get from one event in life to the next. I can honestly say that I have never been part of a Magic related event that either A. started on time or B. had at least a 5% of the people be unable to participate because they were tardy. I bring this up because if you are passionate about your partner as well as Magic, making time for both can be challenging. Here is where I encourage you to be pro-active when scheduling time for either. If you know that there are numerous tournaments and events coming up, mark them down on a calendar in order to give you a visual. In the days prior to that, make time for you and your partner to be separated from the rest of the world and focus 100% of your attention on them. By putting this into regular practice you will give yourself time for both things that are important to you and won’t feel the need to scramble as well as not allow yourself to neglect either. Allowing yourself to live a balanced lifestyle is a crucial element to happiness, if you are playing too much Magic, you are going to feel the negativity from your partner whether they tell you directly or not. Conversely, if you neglect your hobbies and in this case Magic, it may cause you to resent your partner or any other factor that is causing you to take time away from escaping the real world for a while. There will most certainly come a time when you are going to have to spend more time with your partner or Magic, but if you are mindful of this, you can correct any issues on the back end.

Communication: In any relationship you are in throughout life, whether it be teacher to student, boss to employee, Pro player to apprentice, or boyfriend to girlfriend… it may seem commonsensical that you have to communicate to one another in order to move forward, however, if you stop and think about it, we could all be better at communicating to one another. One of the lessons I have learned the hard way is that my wife can’t know how I am truly feeling about something, unless I tell her; conversely, she has learned that sometimes she needs to do a better job in simply asking how I am feeling.

One of the issues I have seen that causes rifts among my friends and their partners is that there is not enough communication about Magic between them. Although Magic may be just a game to some to many of my friends it is more than that, but this is something that their partners don’t understand. If you have a true passion for anything, the one person you should be able to share it with is the person you love. It doesn’t matter if they like Magic, but what is important is that they are open to your enthusiasm and are glad to share it with you. We as Planeswalkers can do a better job at explaining what it is about the game that makes us enjoy it so much and what it is that makes us want to spend as much time as we do playing it. If you love the strategy of the game and the various card mechanics, tell your partner that it is a game more complex than chess or poker, and that you are keeping your brain active by playing. If you like the card art and the lore of the Multiverse, divulge to them that it is an escape from reality such as reading a book or watching a movie, only more productive. There are so many aspects of the game that draw us players to it, but our partners won’t know that unless we tell them. When we leave our partners in the dark about the game, there is a chance they will only see what’s on the surface and look at it as though you are only playing to be away from them.

If you constantly are made to feel guilty about playing, or your partner consistently puts down the game, instead of just ignoring it, ask them why. Who knows, maybe they have a perfectly good reason as to their hatred for the game, but at least you can know why they keep giving you grief and in turn have a dialogue about it. If the reason they give you for hating Magic is irrational (Not just to you because of how much you love the game) but irrational based on logic, it is even more imperative that you talk it out. This can lead to a full blown argument, but it is better to get it out of the way than to constantly dance around it. It is not easy to have someone you care about bash your hobby and if it continues through time it can be truly toxic to the relationship. One thing I would be cognizant of is if your partner has a hobby. I have seen it time and again where my friend’s wife or girlfriend gets upset and says that my buddy plays too much and is not spending enough time “at home”. What is actually occurring is that the wife/girlfriend does not have a hobby themselves or they happen to live in a city where their friends are few and far between. In this case these women find themselves alone more often and take that boredom and frustration out on their partners, which is extremely unfair. You should never be punished for having a more active social life than your partner; it is only when you slack in your role in the relationship that you deserve to hear it. As difficult as it is, if you are able to talk about it, your relationship can only progress, venting frustrations on both sides and working them out will only make your bonds stronger.

Balancing every responsibility in life can be draining. Magic and your relationships are much more similar than you think. They are both diverse and complex; they can be the greatest thing to be a part of and also the most challenging at times. They each give us great experiences and memories and, most importantly, we love them both.

---Jesse